The Remnant Week in Review
by Arogustus
Summary: A summary of all the news you have somehow missed in the world of Remnant. This is of purely fictitious nature and is written by someone with only a decent knowledge of RWBY lore. Reader discretion is advised.
1. Chapter 1

**The Remnant Week in Review**

**This fanfiction is purely of fictitious origin and is written by someone with only a decent grasp on RWBY lore and marathoning of The Onion videos.**

**RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth. The Onion is its own owner**

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**The faculty of Beacon Academy discusses switching their initiation challenge from catapulting teens into forests, to the structurally safer labyrinth of unspeakable death.**

**Area woman Emerald Sustrei reveals her secrets to stealing rich people's fingers.**

**And scientist Arthur Watts wins the Noble Peace Award for best mustache.**

**By clicking on this link, you have accepted that you will bare witness to this spur of the moment fanfiction. This is the Remnant Week in Review.**

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**Beacon Academy has switched their controversial "catapult potential students into a forest of deadly grimm monsters" initiation rite for the much more publicly popular "drop them into the endless labyrinth of the minotaur, Agnur the Disemboweler."**

"After heavy discussion between the Beacon Academy Staff and its students, we have come to the agreement of dropping them into the labyrinth of an 80 feet tall demon minotaur with the desire to rip and tear the nubile flesh of young teenagers, instead of the previous rite of initiation." Says head of Beacon Academy, Headmaster Ozpin. "According to the focus group who offered to be dropped into the endless labyrinth of blood and death, they have found that surviving potential students tend to be more skilled and willing to practice teamwork, compared to the usual sad pieces of shit we obtained from the old rite."

"I think it's really effective." Says new student, Yang Xiao-Long. "I just feel like I'm a whole lot tougher from slogging through the dead bodies of previous students and battling the psychological horror of the fact that the Disemboweler could pop out from any corner. Plus, I got to punch a minotaur in the dick!"

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**A dangerous standoff between an army of highly trained huntsmen and a large group of Apathy Grimm enters its 6****th**** week. According to local huntsmen expert and kickass axegun wielding Professor Peter Port, the reason behind this standoff is because no one feels like making the first move.**

"The Apathy have the capability to induce a sense of uncontrollable laziness into humans with their roars, making them a very dangerous foe to face for any huntsmen. Why, I remember the time I had to wrestle a couple of them down while wearing my battle thong- "

**An interview with the leading huntsmen, one Taiyang Xiao-Long has given us insight on the situation at hand.**

"I mean, they haven't done anything yet, so, I dunno, I don't we should do anything until they make their first move." Says Taiyang Xiao-Long currently sipping a martini on his lawn chair along with his buddies.

**An Apathy Grimm has been reached for comment on their opinion to this tense standoff.**

"….Egh." Says Apathy Grimm.

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**In local news, area dog is reported to be a very good, Grimm slaughtering boy, and should be given plenty of tummy rubs by any passersby who come across this lovable pooch. Officials report how local good boy successfully slaughtered an entire army of Beowulfs single handedly by doing his very, very best. Onlookers described the event as "heart meltingly adorable," "absolutely precious," and "diabetes inducingly cute." Area dog, who despite his immense fame, lives a fairly secluded life in the front yard of the Xiao-Long household, could not be reached for comment.**

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**And in our weekly magazine, a scourge to humanity responds to being called a sad bitch.**

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**In other news, Beacon Academy headmaster reveals secret to sitting on a dick shaped chair.**

**Silver eyed girl realizes having silver eyes is in fact not a genetic deformity.**

**And a Sea Feilong Grimm is feeling pretty damn good about itself. **

**You never asked for this, and you will probably never ask again. See you never on the Remnant Week in Review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Remnant Week in Review**

**You begged, and I answered. Guess this is a series now.**

**Rwby is owned by Rooster Teeth. The Onion is it's own owner.**

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**Faunus terrorist organization causes billions in damages after posting embarrassing video of SDC president singing "Call Me Maybe" online.**

**Area woman Neo Politan comes to terms with the fact that she's short.**

**And a candlelight vigil is held for a fallen pancake.**

**You've searched for us in every dark alley, and we thank you for your dedication. Here is your weekly dose of the Remnant Week in Review.**

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**The Creatures of Grimm first organized union has been formed, demanding that company CEO Salem make some drastic changes to company policy. Union leader Mike the Beowulf states the demands of the Creatures of Grimm to be more reasonable work hours, a dedicated battlefield analysis team, and that their manager, Cinder Fall, is removed from her position.**

"We've been dealing with a lot over our past few weeks of existence." Says union leader Mike. "Every day, we wake up at the crack of dawn and get sent in hordes to face off against highly trained huntsmen who always wipe us out. Even when we do succeed, our payment of us being allowed to devour the innocent does not make up for the massive losses we suffer every day."

"And Cinder Fall is a dick." Says second in command Marty. "We just hate her guts, and while we are willing to scale back our demands from being allowed to devour her soul to simply seeing her be removed from position, we are growing restless and _will _take drastic measures if our needs aren't met on time."

**Company CEO Salem could not be reached for comment.**

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**A Faunus woman is shocked to learn that she just had a pretty damn good day, all things considered. The woman, known locally as Blake Belladonna, reported that she was shocked that her day had gone on without any signs of racism, petty inconveniences and random attacks from abusive ex.**

"It was weird." Says Faunus woman Blake. "Usually, I have to deal with racist remarks from other people. I wake up to seeing sentences like "piss of beast" and "go back to your cage" graffitied on my dorm room doorway, and people will try to spray me in the eyes with pepper spray when they see me on the streets. But today, I woke up to a clean doorway, I walked to the local bookstore, I had lunch with my friends in a nice restaurant, and I didn't find any dead bodies pinned to walls in alleyways with my name written on the walls in blood. Chances are, it's going to be back to normal tomorrow, but I think I'm going to remember this day."

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**Beacon Academy students are shocked to learn that a fellow student is not what they seem. Students reported varying levels of shock and horror at the revelation of the student's duplicitous nature, and it has left the student body in a state of disarray for the past 3 weeks.**

"We've been tricked, we've been backstabbed and we've been quite possibly, bamboozled." Says Beacon student Jaune Arc.

**The offending student has been reached for comment, revealing her side of the story.**

"I just said I wanted to study instead of going to a party." Says duplicitous, lying student Yang Xiao-Long. "I'm more than just a party animal, people!"

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**And in local news, area woman Ruby Rose glares at a jar of cookies too high up to reach.**

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**In other news, scientist Pietro Polendina successfully creates artificial life. The secret? Magical fairies.**

**A research paper reveals the most common cause of Grimm induced deaths to be caused by Grimm.**

**And Infamous criminal Roman Torchwick confirmed dead after a 2-week autopsy on partially digested corpse.**

**By reading this chapter, you have pledged your soul to the whims of Algdur the Murder Full, and allow him entry into our reality. Pray that he has mercy on our souls and that we may meet again on the next Remnant Week in Review.**


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